I do like socialising but when it involves a certain formality it kind of ‘preys on my mind’ for days beforehand: what should I wear/should I get a cut and blow dry/who’ll be there that I don’t particularly want to ‘party’ with/ hope it’s not raining/ need to do something about these nails… and so on….. little thoughts that keep popping into my head, especially during the ‘riveting soaps’:…. ‘Corrie’( and BTW d’you think that thug is still ‘sleeping under’ Gail?) or ‘Eastenders’ (will somebody PLEASE give Ronnie a nine to five job!!) or ‘Emmerdale'( where they’ll soon need to be keeping a ‘Countryfile’ on all the burgeoning affairs in the village…. Paddy?!…Zak?!… is this truly rural, truly rural, truly rural? 

Now, I have no such distracting thoughts during, ‘Homeland’/ ‘The Bridge’ /’Strictly’ /Masterchef,  to name but a few, however I do have a tendency to ‘nod off’ without warning and ‘come to’ only to find that there is a completely different programme playing. Thank goodness for the rewind function – (I did watch a box set of ‘The Sopranos’ recently – without having to rewind once! What a series! ….  crivvens, jings and helpmaboab! (thank you ‘Oor Wullie’ and ‘The Broons’ for my formative training in ‘explosive’ language). Over the years I have added ‘Suffering Succotash,’ ‘Christopher Columbus’ and perhaps the odd ‘Jeepers Creepers.’ Not once did I hear any of these terms of frustration used by any of  those gangsters. Shame they didn’t get ‘The Sunday Post’ when they were young – it could have been a whole different script! 

 I digress. I have an Art Club Dinner this evening and I still don’t know what to wear. A ‘friend’ once advised me that I should ‘dress more like an artist’…… the stereotypical  smock and a beret perhaps or the penniless and half-starved look or more of the Charles Saatchi designer label ensemble? I can imagine the response she would have got from ‘Tony Soprano’ if she’d suggested that  he dress more like a hoodlum  …sleeping and fffffishes  spring to mind!  No, I fear my ‘friend’ was intent on lowering my self esteem, even ‘framing me’. I laugh at the memory of this and other ludicrous situations of her making in which I found myself. How naive was I…… it would never have happened under Hugh’s watch … anyway, she’s ‘out of my picture’ now …. and I dress how I choose. The dent in my confidence has gone and my life is a lot less complicated.

I have decided. I will wear what is comfortable, apply extra polyfilla to my ‘coupon’ and hope it doesn’t crack before midnight. Helpmaboab is that the time!!

A very beautiful and confident young model presented herself at the artist’s studio.

‘I would like you to paint me in the nude,’ she said coyly to the artist.

‘ No problem, my dear, but you won’t mind if I leave my socks on – I need somewhere to keep my brushes’……