Hi, Reader! Retired as I am, I fully realised, during last week’s ‘Big Snow’ you can never take the teacher out of teaching. I was so jealous of my colleagues landing their unexpected ‘vacation’ that I was moved to compose this ‘green-eyed ditty’. My apologies to those who may be offended (Och! lighten up for goodness sake!)

Yous techers hiv a wan track mind,
Hoalidays o’ ony kind
Ur right up your vocational street
So this opporchancity wis hard tae beat:
Some snow hud fell – we sensed a skive
‘Furget the weans -we cannae drive!’

‘A Rid Alert’ in the Central Belt
‘Stay in yer hooses!’ we wis telt
We didnae need tae be telt that twice                                      
A call tae the skool, that wid suffice
A piece o’ creative talkin’ wis called fur
Somethin’ the Boss wid easily fall fur…
Still in yer jammies, phone at yer ear…
‘Hi Cap’n, my Cap’n, Joe Dependable here.
Ah’ve been up since six tryin’ tae dig oot ma caur,
Ah’ve pushed an’ ah’ve shoved but’ve no’ goat very faur,
The buses are aff, the trains ur as well,
’An’ ah don’t think ah could walk the length o’ masel’….!’

Fed up tae the back teeth the Boss gied a sigh,
He wanted to scream, ’No’ another big lie!!’
But he swallied his rage as he took aff his skis
An’ his hat wi’ the toorie, an’ sank tae his knees.
Controllin’ his breathin’ he calmed the hell doon
An’ answered the ‘phone wi’ a deep wrinkled froon:

 ‘At least you have made a great effort to come,
I would hate it if you were to fall on your bum,
You have nothing to fear, the school’s in safe hands,
So stay put at home, and WORK HARD on your PLANS!’                                                                                                                                                                                          Indeed I huv plans fur masel’ an’ ma Mazda:
‘A quick trip tae the High Street an’ a visit tae Asda.                     .
Stock up on essentials like nachos ’n’ dips,
Wine, beer ’n’ pizzas ’n’ oven cooked chips,
Choc’lit ’n’ ice cream ’n’ eggs, cheese ’n’ ham,
Ten loaves o’plain breed fur the toast ’n’ the jam,                                             
A big Special K, some milk, coffee ’n’ tea
Ma plans ur complete noo, fur wan day –  mibees three.’

Twa meenits later yer dressed fur the weather
In yer thermals,’n’ puffer jaikit light as a feather,
Yer double knit ski pants ’n’ watterproof Docs,
Yer fur trapper helmit tae cover yer locks,
The scarf ’n’ the gloves that wis your ‘Christmas Dip’
(You swore never to wear,’cos they gied you the pip.)

Yer mission wis clear as you jined in the fray,                                
‘Don’t let me be spotted,’ you fervently pray.
But Asda’s fare jumpin’ wi’ the teachin’ profession
(There’s gonnae be some line this week at Confession!)
Can you really explain all that booze in the trolley?
Six bottles of wine  an’ three bottles of Bolly?
When they said ‘Red Alert’ they didnae mean wine!            But right noo a’ they bottles will go doon just fine
Fur zat no’ yer Boss ah can see at the exit?
Deep breath! Be creative! Just blame it on Brexit!                                                                                             MMcA

p.s.   Being retired, I think it’s a bore,
        I don’t get ‘surprise’ holidays – not any more! x